im just so stressed and upset these days.

i dunno why, but it seems like this year im less happy than last year. this year im more jaded, more easily upset, more easily stressed. emotionally unstable, in other words. maybe its a hormone thing, and maybe ill get over it; things will get better. or maybe its just me. or maybe it was because last year things were simpler; i was more easily contented, workload was lighter, work was easier, things were more predictable. well this year.. maybe you could say that there are more surprises. but i think its probably due a change of environment with different ppl.

its mostly blocks, i guess, thats causing all the tension and stress. other things dun matter much to me. well okay. i screwed my math. screwed. it. totally. and im just afraid ill screw everything else. ppl are telling me i wun, but what if i do? call me paranoid, but it is possible. sure, math is my worst subject, but so what? what if it became my BEST subject? man, if that happens, ill just kill myself. jkjk. but i srsly dunno what ill do. its not like i nvr tried. i did mug. even tho i didn mug 24 hours (ha ha. i doubt anyone can do that) round the clock, but at least i did mug, and i did understand what i was mugging. so i dun think i deserve Us (with the exception of econs) for the rest of my papers.

i guess studies are the only thing i have. as of now. i dun play sports, unless u count lion dance. and even then, i cant do lion dance for the rest of my life. its just not a practical means of supporting myself in the future. esp when im a girl. no one will hire a female coach when they can hire a male coach for smth like lion dance. so i must make sure i work hard and try to do well, (like who would want to do badly?) so i can be whatever i want to be in the future.

i was at sabbaticals today, and i was watching the dolphin trainers at work, and i felt tears prickling my eyes. i dunno why, but the trainers seemed so carefree, and i longed to be like them. im burdened by block test results. i reallie dun want to go back to school on friday, even tho sch ends at 12. i dowan to see any block test paper. i dowan to see my results. i guess im just afraid to face reality. but i reallie am traumatised by my math paper. horribly traumatised. and i dowan to get any other stupid paper back. nvr ever. im afraid ill do badly. but its not because i dunno how to break the news to my mum or what. its because if i do badly, i wouldn noe how to answer to myself. i dunno how to face myself, how to tell myself to work hard and do better. all the tests and exams that i take are stained by my fear of not doing well. even if i do reallie well, i wun be v happy. i noe its bad, cos like this ill nvr be contented, and my expectations of myself will only get higher and higher, and ill nvr be happy. but as of now, im not the top, im nowhere near the top, and i think i suck absolutely at studies. so that gives me a right to fear, doesn it? and tt i think, gives me a right to strive for the best. well, everyone has the right to strive for the best.

haix. im just worried abt my results. cos they matter to me. too much, maybe.

grah but i dowan to see the paper.

hmm im such an irritating, confused girl.

and i just want to pon school.

and be happy. someday..

Blogged @ 4:45 PM