guten tag...

its thursday. just finished training and dinner and shower and zuo wen. wahaha. sqdmates say i'm getting boring because my blog is too philosophical and too undaily life like, so i shall blog abt something interesting todaeeee

hmm...thinking abt my zuo wen made me remember my grandad. okie i shall blog abt my grandad.

my grandad was a terrific person. although china-chinese, old fashioned, doesn speak english nor mandrain, he rocks a ton. when i was little, around 2 or 3 years old, he used to play with me a lot. i remember i loved sweets. and i still do! my mummie and auntie refused me sweets because they were afraid i would get sick and stuff...and the sweets might weaken my immune system. they constantly told my grandparents not to give me sweets. my grandma obeyed, but my grandad rebelled. everytime the adults were out of the house, i became the little princess of this beautiful paradise i built for myself and my grandparents. my grandad would beckon me into his room, and the moment the door is closed, he would take out his secret supply of chocolates and share them with me. being diabetic, he wasn supposed to eat any, but just to make me happie, he went against all odds and ate along with me. and thus, grandad and i shared a little secret between us. just ME and HIM. he would often play with me too, and watch TV on the sofa...the question comes when i remember he doesn speak any language i noe of. how on earth did we communicate then? till today, i still dunno. it was probably some universal lanuguage, or a special language shared by just me and grandad. he's dead already, by the way.

if i'm not wrong, he died on christmas 10 years ago. right. i was 5. when my aunt called from the hospital, i was sitting in front of the TV, totally absorbed in those wonderful cartoon shows they always have on TV for the kids during special occasions and nibbling on chocolate teddy biscuits my mum had thoughtfully bought me to keep me busy on christmas day so she could go about doing her own stuff. my mum had no idea how to break the news to me. after all, grandad, (whom i would refer to as "ye ye" which i would play around with because the word rolls on my tongue) and i had been close, in a childlike way. so my mum simply picked me up from the sofa and plucked my eyes off the TV screen and said, "ye ye's dead. he died in SGH."

at that point of time, being a tender age of five and paying more attention to the cartoons instead of the serious information my mother had for me, i didn understand what was happening and just nodded my head in reply. it was only when my aunts and uncles and dad returned and huddled together at the table to discuss the funeral then i started to wake up and realise, my grandad is DEAD. i will never see him again in my life. i remember walking into the kitchen and looking for the rubbish chute under the sink (cos in my old house i had one) to try to call my grandad back, because that place was where my baby bolster and my pacifier and my milk bottle had gone, and my aunt had always told me they led a better life in the chute, which she called "hen yuan hen yuan de di fang" than living with me. so she said i should learn to let go. and up till i was primary 2, i believed that the reason why my grandad didn come back when i called was because in the new house we didn have a rubbish chute.

the funeral was 3 days. on the third day, i took the coffin-van....whatever its name is to this temple called guang ming shan (i dunno its english name) where i watched my grandad cremate. i dun remember shedding a tear, but i remember the feeling of a sense of loss and heart wrenching pain. till today, 10 years later, i still remember grandad. i still dream of him.

yeye, i love u. still. always. forever.


Blogged @ 7:53 PM


guten abend.

monday always rox. its online day!!!!!!

but mondays suck too. monday morning blues.

come to me

we'll never be apart

the sun u see is me

no more pain

no memories remain

now u can play with me...


Blogged @ 8:50 PM


i'm too innocent. i'm too pure.

i carn believe me.

things are happening to ppl of my age. things are happening to my very own frens. close frens, to be exact. and yet i didn noe. i didn find out. until today. and for the past few days, i have been living the life of a young, fresh 15 year old, happy, relaxed, the only things bothering me being stress and little aspects of life, whereas my frens have been suffering under emotional stress, under pressure. i feel so helpless. i feel so USELESS. how could i, how could i afford to let myself be bothered by such little stupid things of life so that i become so manipulated by my own desires for comfort in my already very comfortable comfort zone, that i close one eye to the outside world, and only have eyes for seeking comfort for myself? how could i??? how could i, complain abt little things in life like school, teachers, frens, when others' problems are much bigger, much more complex then mine??? i'm going to reprimand myself again. by being brought up in a very comfortable zone of comfort, my tolerance level is already quite low. not only mental tolerance, physical tolerance too. my immunity system is quite weak. a little mud, and i get rash. a little more icecream than usual, and i nearly die of cramps during my time of the month. (when i say die, i reallie mean die) . a little more strenuous exercises, i get an attack. mental weakness: although i am not exactly mentally weak, but i do give in to others very easily. (is that mental weakness?) i dun resist much to others, unless they are totally wrong. besides that, i'm also too sensitive, to words, to feelings put across by ppl, thus i get hurt easily, and i reflect much more easily. i should change my character a little. MODIFY IT. i have to step out of my comfortable comfort zone, to not only see the world, to see the ppl closest to me--> MY FRENS. i better wake up and pay attention to what's going on ard me(literally), before i regret any further


Blogged @ 8:30 PM


my passion lies in the holocaust

i first heard abt the holocaust when i was six, and since then, i have nvr lost passion in finding out abt the holocaust and the children who perished in it. out of the 6 million jews who perished, 1.5 million were children. anne frank has always been my war hero and idol. i noe its crazy to love someone who died some 60 years back, but her story is so moving and her diary is so intelligent that i carn help feeling that she's still alive. somehow, she reminds me of me.

that day i was surfing when i came across this site
http://www.graceproducts.com/fmnc/main.htm
as i read it, my heart broke. this is a website designed specially for some of the children who died in the holocaust. each child has a page dedicated to him or her, so as we read, we understand what our ancestors (that's what they would have been if they havent perished in the hands of those german trash. nazis, to be exact) had been through, we comprehend their fear, we relive the war years, we see how children were treated and we learn, to appreciate what we have now. children below the age of 16 were brutally mudered, and on the last transport to westerbork, one of the concentration camps the nazis have cruelly set up, all children below the age of 15 were gassed immediately upon arrival. on the children's block in auschwitz, hitler drew a 1.6 mark on one of the walls, and any child who's head didn reach the mark were mudered brutally. imagine, if i were one of the children, i would not have survived. i'm only 1.57m.

children were used for experiments where in some of the cases, twins were experimented on. mia and lia borak, a pair of twins in auschwitz were experimented on. on what happened to them, no details were found. they still remain missing till today. the notorious josef mengele, a mad doctor in auschwitz used to experiment on kids, and he would freeze them, castrate them etc. for twins, he he drew sketches of each twin, for comparison. He also injected his victims with various substances, dripping chemicals into their eyes, apparently in an attempt to change their color. he then killed them by injecting chlorofoam into their hearts and killed them.

oops i gtg
bb



Blogged @ 7:07 PM


hey hallo hallo!!!

yay! its friday again! and i'm glad to say...this week passed much faster than last week! (last week crawled like a snail) i'm adapting to sec 3...yea...and now i can manage much much much better than 1 week ago. sighhhhh.... so happie! and okie...i admit...i was online, but was too lazy to update my beautiful bloggie.

hmm....i'm feeling philosophical todae. shall crap abt life and death matters. life. what's it anyway? u had life when u were an embryo, but why doesn anyone remember being a tiny dot in ur mummie? i bet u had life as a sperm too. but no one ever talks abt meeting an egg, like, "hey, u noe, when i was two minutes old in my mummie, i met a gigantic egg!" why is it too, that i never had any memory of being 1 years old and below, and suddenly, i start to remember things? is ur brain still forming when u are 1? do u even have a memory? if yes, why carn i remember even a LITTLE bit abt my life as a pre-toddler? if no, how did i learn? how did i learn to speak, to walk...how did i toilet-train, if i didn have a memory? i was told i could let out hours of ingenious chatter fluent in both english and mandrain when i was just 1 and a half. i could stamp away with small, quick steps and stopped wearing diapers when i was 1. how on earth did i learn that, if i didn have a memory?

another big question is, why are u, u? why aren i someone else? why am i me? why is it, when i touch me, i feel me? why is it i think this way? what makes my personality? i was quite an unlucky duck when i was little. if there were sweets shared among my cousins, i never managed to get any. if there was an outing to go, i never made it. something else ALWAYS cropped up, like sudden asthma attack, fever, infections here and there etc thus as a result, i used to think: what if i weren't me? would life be different? would i be the mary who always got the largest sweets? or would i be the henry who always managed to stay healthy to make it for outings? i used to think abt other stuff too, like when things happen, why was it we reacted to it the way we did? why didn we do smth else? sometimes, i make mistakes. HUGE ones, which often result in HUGE misunderstandings(depending on the size of my wrong-doing). at that point, i would wonder: if only i had done smth else. so what makes us do what we do at a specific moment? and when smth happens and needs immediate response, what makes us say or do what we did? was it our upbringing? will it make sense to say, if someone's(lets call him A) father is a gangster, when A runs into trouble, like he got scolded by a teacher who threatened to expel him, his first response to the situation would be: kill. KILL. kill the teacher? why is it that, when i say "me" i noe its ME i'm talking abt, and not some other tom, dick or harry? how did i identify with that universal word? how did each individual identify with it?

this world is confusing. the human brain is much more confusing. if u have been killing ur brain cells pondering over what i had written, i'll tell u, hold on. there's more to come. DEATH. this is worse than life, for life can be researched on and death can't. where on earth do u get a live interview of the dead? if something liddat ever comes on screen, i'll probably scream and fall off the chair. i bet everyone will. death. what exactly is it? when u die, they say u stop breathing. they say ur heart stops. but do u still feel? are u still alive, figuratively speaking? have u ever thought, that when one died, he could still be alive, just that he doesn need air anymore, and his heart doesn beat anymore. he can still hear, can still feel. his body is dead, but his soul is still alive...screaming away for anyone out there who would hear him. have u ever considered the feelings of the dead, when they are sent to be cremated? the very moment they are pushed in the crematorium, they could be screaming their hearts out, in pain because the fire scorches them, and because they can't bear to leave everyone. and while ppl out there are mourning for the dead, the dead themselves mourn too. not for themselves, but for the people who mourn for them. they silently shed tears, wishing the others would stop crying for them, or they shall not go in peace. that is one way i interpret death. the other version goes like this

when u die, u fall into a deep deep sleep, so when ur heart stops beating and u stop breathing, it is so peaceful u dun realise it. then u start to dream. if u have done well in ur life, u dream of a beautiful paradise, filled with the loveliest things and the most wonderful dreams a man could ever have. this, is heaven. if u have done evil, u dream a nightmare. fires raging, satan looming into view, cackling ever so cruelly. he was made beautiful, but developed an ugly heart that no one comprehends. torture chambers await u, and from there, chilling screams travel toward u, each telling of remorse, of guilt, each, sending shivers down ur spine as u await ur fate in this burning hell of evil. but u noe u deserve it, for all the bad things u have done in ur life, thus u silently accept fate as u step into torture chamber number 1... and this remains forever. the dead dream time away. the dead dream to ashes in the crematorium. the dead dream to bones and rotting flesh. and this goes on, forever. every dead individual dream. lovely or a nightmare, it depends solely on ur life. and the last version i have thought up, is the most peaceful, the most serene. the one that everyone loves. reincarnation.

as pictured in the movie, nie xiaoqian in 1998(???) the moment ur heart stops beating, u drop straight down into a deep deep ravine, where u meet the many thousands of people who died on the same day as u did. u stand behind the last ghost in the queue. each ghost awaits the hammer, which possessed the magic to make one lose their memory of their life, and issued them the lisence to reincarnate. each ghost hopes the good they had done would bring them a good life in their next life, each hopes for the best. after being hit, u re-enter the world again, as a newborn to a pair of lovely new parents, exploding in elation at seeing u. then u re-live again, as a different person, having a different name, living a different life. maybe that's why u carn remember anything before u turn 1. its because the magic of the hammer only wears off after 1 year...


Blogged @ 7:01 PM


TGIF TGIF TGIF

T.G.I.F

THANK GOODNESS ITS FRIDAY!!!!!!!!!


Blogged @ 7:29 PM


guten tag!!!

i'm so so so so tired!!!! sec 3 life. BUSY. BUSY. VERY VERY BUSY. all day school....and i feel stressed for the first time in my life! then for the past two days, because it was orientation, we went home late....almost 8.30 or 9 when i reached home. then still had to prepare U. for orientation yesterday...
then, we still have homework, SIAs to ponder about....(and i still havent read my SIA criterias yet!!! ARGH!!!!!!!!!) and we still have other commitments too...
then i will end up sleeping late late into the night, then when i wake up the next morning, i feel lethargic and unenergized...and i carn concentrate fully during lessons. esp chinese lesson. (i have a tendency to fall asleep in chinese lesson...maybe the teacher's face isn interesting enough...) and chem teacher is equally boring. she talks like a snail. and she looks like one. the only thing she lacks are the feelers.
how am i supposed to excel with such boring-to-the-end-of-the-earth teachers???? how am i supposed to get my 1.00 msg??? am i supposed to count on me? myself only? ARGHH! ARGH! ARGH!!!!!!!!!! stressssssss!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

and this is only the BEGINNING of the year.

it will be a miracle if i survive sec 3...



Blogged @ 7:09 PM


guten taggg

okie. 1st day of sch...

arh well....quite nice larh. my form teacher rocks, and all the other teachers, although i dunno them, are so nice! i wound up sitting next to corinnnnn at the far far far right side of the classroom. mr ingham says he will rearrange our seats, (note. not seating partners. SEATS.) so the classroom will not look like its tilted to one side. (me and corin's row looks very squashed up at the corner of the classroom...) and we have two wonderful PRC scholars behind us, ruibin and wu dan. yea. and we have a 1.78 CM TALL GIRL IN OUR CLASS. kewlllll taller than mr ingham. wahaha!

lessons...not any yet today. but our timetable ROCKS! we have TWO recesses. one recess and one lunch break! and our school ends at 2.30!!! wayyyyy neat! so happie abt school and everything. i appreciate that the school makes changes for us students, just for our personal welfare. i feel that THAT is touching. now we noe, school is not just about scoring all ur A1s and getting 1.00msg, and working until ur head falls off so that u have to go to a BODY shop to get it replaced. it is also about learning to love and care for one another, be it teachers caring for students, and vice versa, or students caring for students themselves. in the past, when teachers tell us they care, i didn reallie believe what they said, coz it all sounded like it came from a script they were made to memorize the day they became teachers. (i think it IS true in some schools). but only until this year, when they changed our socks to ANKLE socks because we want it, and they added a lunch break for us so that we can have regular meals so that we dun spoil our bodies, then i truly realised that the teachers at nanyang reallie meant what they said, and i'm reallie touched and impressed by their effort.

then later, we waited with corin after school because her mom would be late. so we had lunch and trooped off to the library, a comfortable retreat. borrowed books...and read stuff. corin was very VERY interested in the ice skating stuff. yuzhen and i were getting BORED..so we went to grab a book on BARBIE DOLLS (actually it was interesting lar) and flipped through the pages of old barbies from 1959 all the way to 2002...okie okie. we were feeling REALLIE bored...so we decided to self-entertain...and we gave the barbies reallie disgusting names....haha...like erm...pot belly barbie. barf face barbie...and erm toenail barbie and erm head disease barbie and erm belly button barbie and belly lint barbie...(like i said, we were in a DISGUSTING mood...) then after laughing ENOUGH, we packed up to go home...

i borrowed this reallie lovely book called the four sisters of hofei...i love this type of old china...(not very old lar...maybe a hundred years back or smth...) sigh. gtg now. bb!!!


Blogged @ 5:42 PM