we graduated today.

a serious serious mixture of feelings.

i actually felt sad. tears were stinging my eyes when we sang the school song and the farewell song. but i noe deep down inside, a part of me is actually glad to leave. leave for what, leave to where i have no idea. i just noe i want to leave.

maybe its a form of escapism. but what am i escaping from? is there anything worth escaping from in this school? i noe a while back, escaping was the ultimate solution. escaping to us was like walking into paradise. but now the worst is over. is there still anything left for me to run away from?

i suppose i lived my life escaping from things: when my teacher was fierce, i tried to escape by refusing to go to school. when my friends were mean, my mum taught me to escape their taunts by ignoring them. when my father came home from business trips, my siblings and i escaped, avoided talking to him by pretending we were busy. in this life, i had done a lot of escaping. but that, i suppose, contributed to the rebellion that we were destined to go through, and since rebellion is a beautiful phase in our growth from an adolescent to an adult, i suppose u could say, indirectly, that escapism helped me mature.

escapism is common in our society. i dare say no one has lived their life nvr escaping from anything, ever. no. that is not possible. think back on your life, and on what you have done, and you will realise, perhaps in a small crack of your life, when something bad happens, something frustrating and beyond your control happens, you felt like running away. you felt like throwing all this burden off your shoulders and just run. run, run run, to nowhere, for no comprehendable reason. you noe you just want to run. that was a form of escapism. but whether or not you did it is another issue altogether. naturally, escapism comes in two forms: actions and thoughts. even though you might not have reallie escaped, but just thought of escaping instead, it is still escapism. you thinking of escaping, your thoughts of running away serve as a relief to you, who is a pathetic stress victim. thus, you are no different from those who actually escaped by action, except for the implications that come along with escaping for real.

those who silent rebel, ie just have thoughts of escaping, or subconsciously rebel, are generally on the "safer" side, because they probably have less consequences to consider. their most problematic problem would probably be that they would not be able to release/untie???/remove their burden and the knot in their heart (aiyah. jie3 kai1 xin1 zhong1 de4 jie2) and will probably suffer from depression, hbp as a result. but those who reallie escape might most prob regret, and this kind of regret will last a lifetime, because when they were seeking relief for their own selfish needs, (though its not reallie selfish because sometimes things can reallie be potentially problematic and reallie hard to handle, esp if ure on ur own) they might have forgotten their family and friends beside them. and in a desperate attempt to escape, some ppl might commit suicide, which would totally crush the lives of their loved ones. so in their "desperate attempt", these ppl end up with 1)guilty conscience even as a ghost, 2) having everyone hate him/her as a result 3)if he doesnt die, he'll feel horrible guilty for the rest of his life, and will probably suffer from depression and hbp as a result, just like the one above.

yar,

okay i noe this is very slipshod. i dunno what i'm doing because i'm so darn tired. i have a feeling i'll come read this post one day and wonder to myself which incoherent idiot was typing this

okay. feeling reallie gong now..

NIGHT

Blogged @ 11:21 PM