its been an eventful month.

i dunno where to start.

lets see. my beloved ah fat died. it was a painful death for both me and it. we all thought it was hibernating. but in the end, well. it just happened. cried my heart out for it. i'll nvr forget it. just like i nvr forgot my darling hamster and its 8 offspring, the two snails slimy and slimier, caterpee the caterpillar, my two darling rabbits, and all the little animals which lived in my house in some way or another. i was nvr able to get over death. not that i actually witnessed many, (touch wood). when i was 5 my paternal grandpa died. i guess i was too little? to noe what was going on. i noe he died. i noe there was a funeral. i saw him being cremated. but somehow, i just didn understand all of it. i felt sad when i saw my family crying, but i didn noe why. i didn exactly feel much about it.

when i witnessed my second death, i was 10. it was the death of my darling hamster. she was brutally murdered by one of the albino hamsters, which happened to be her OWN OFFSPRING. her face was cruelly scratched; bloody and all. i screamed when i saw her...i just couldn believe it. then i cried all the way down to the little garden in front of the house where we buried the hamster. i was old enough to understand death. i was old enough to feel the dark emotions it brought. and i didn like it. within the tears of sadness that were filling me, there were parts of anger too. strong, boiling anger. i couldn help but ask myself, why did it have to die? why couldn it live? why did its own daughter kill it? how could she do that? these questions were swarming in my mind....as if both my ears were blocked and they couldn get out. they couldn help but swim around, engulfing my mind with it.

6 years later, i still didn understand why things had to die. when i first heard that ah fat might die, because it wasnt moving and all, i cried...and cried. i kept asking my mum why did it have to die, why couldn it live. i was even muttering that i didn want it to die. i repeated these questions to whoever was unfortunate enough to talk to me. my mum kinda felt instantly sorrie that she even brought up the topic of death, and told me to check the net instead, lest this is the natural behaviour of frogs at a certain time frame in their lives, (u noe, like moulting, hibernating, etc etc). finally, i found the ultimate solution: it was hibernating. the burden of death instantly lifted off my shoulders, and i couldn help but heave a huge, huge sigh of relief. i started telling everyone abt how my frog was hibernating...in singapore even. i was elated that it was going to live after all, and i said that i would give anything, anything at all, for the frog to live. however, happiness did not last. in less than 2 weeks it was dead. it was so sudden, and no one, esp not me, was prepared for its death. it just stopped breathing. i cried myself to sleep when i discovered that it was dead. it was just too impossible to believe. we buried it the next day, praying that it would find peace. soon after, i released my other frog, ah thin. i just didn want it to die in my hands too. it has to live. it has a right to. so i shant keep it captive. haix. dunno where is it now...hope that it is safe, alive and happy.

oh well. gtg. shall blog some other time.

Blogged @ 9:59 PM