oh god

i'm so sorrie.

i feel like i have betrayed u....i'm so sorrie.

though u may nvr noe i am writing to u,

though u may nvr noe what happened, and i am not abt to tell u,

but i want u to noe, that i have done smth wrong...

and i feel it in my heart.

it hurts.

i want u to noe i am sorrie for doing this...maybe i shouldn even have thought abt it...

but when she pleaded, i just relented.

please, dun bear a grudge. though it was not a technical betrayal, but i hurt myself in my heart.

please please forgive me?

Blogged @ 10:23 PM


the week has crawled past.

literally.

gosh i dunno how long i have waited for for this day. and not as if i am looking forward to it. cos tmr still need to wake up early. gonna be tour guide=P

i had a horrible haircut in the week....now i look primary 1. how bad can that be, when i'm sec 4 now? hmm...ask the auntie to layer my hair....in the end she just anyhow snip. and now i look kiddish. grah.

today yijing asked me why i was in such a bad mood the whole week. i was rather surprised cos i didn realised i had a bad temper throughout the week. i just thought i was perhaps more silent than usual. and i definitely slept more...esp during astronomy classes, where the teacher just blabbered on and on, absorbed in his own little world. totally oblivious to the 10 out of 20 ppl who had placed their heads on the table and drifted off to jian4 zhou1 gong1. needless to say, the class was amazingly quiet and serene. hardly a shuffle anywhere when the teacher was talking.

exploring racism through movies was fun though. i reallie learnt a lot. and i saw a lot too. its one of the best sabbaticals i ever attended. =) thank u ms deena.

yar okay...i'm feeling temperamental again. shall skip off to do smth else. and maybe i will come back and blog another post before i zip off to bed. needa wake up at 7.30 tmr. *grumbles*

Blogged @ 8:43 PM


this week has been rather dry.

no.

totally dry.

there isnt a bit of excitement....and i havent been online ALL week. finally....today! *looks up at the sky....dramatising effect comes in. all the beautiful lights around...* ahh whatever...hahaha. laming around now.

hmm...actually nothing much to say. okay. maybe a few. but before that....there's smth i need to get out of my mind. very random i noe. its smth only certain ppl will noe abt and understand what i am writing...its going to sound like code to everyone else.

actually, i feel that it is impt...i mean, if u cant keep it, this promise, why did u even do it in the first place? its so wrong....and it hurts everyone. please dun repeat that mistake again. besides, dun u feel anything at all? i mean, all these that happens, i dun see u having any response of any sort! are u totally devoid of feelings altogether? maybe its the education system here that's moulding weirdos....madly odd, unfeeling freaks. that was what shocked me most, u noe....that u didn feel ANYTHING at all... i mean. all that u have done i can understand, i noe, and i see why u do what u have done. but at least FEEL?! i mean, its reallie too mean.. this....its reallie too far. u seriously have stretched ur limits. i seriously pray and hope that u will sober up a bit...and perhaps make ammendments although its a teeny weeny bit too late.

then u. what's ur problem? i seriously dun get it....how can this happen? how can u do this?! that poor poor thing. ure the one i dun understand here! and i have a feeling i dun want to understand....its a bit too complicated for me. this is getting way too absurd!

okay. enough of the randomisation.

went out with my mum today...hahaha. the moment she knew i finished sch at 1.30, she decided she wanted to take me out, since my siblings will all be at sch still and i'll be alone with her even if i dun go out. yea...went plaza sing. had a very nice lunch...then went to get the stuff my mum needed to get. then walked ard....went home...went to get my brother and yar...

but was still too full from lunch to eat dinner=X ate quite little.

haix...week 6 only left with physics and bio test...PHYSICS...gosh. my worst worst subject. but now radioactivity not too bad. i just hate circuits. its not the calculations that kill u, (i mean, its just formula right??) its the EXPLANATIONS that reallie truly get on ur nerves. every word is so darn impt! one word lacking, whole question wrong. and my english is not exactly tremendously powerful....and i dun read teachers' minds. so HOW IN THE WORLD WILL I NOE WHAT WORD U ARE LOOKING FOR?!

gah. chem and bio are so much easier....

hmmm....gotta read more to brush up my language. both are dropping in standard!! i was horribly shocked to realise that. shall borrow more books to read.... as for chinese books...(which i borrow once in a heart-shaped purple moon) which means, literally, NEVER, i can always start with the book my dad has left for me on the table before he left for china.....TOTOCHAN IN CHINESE. chuang bian de xiao nu hai. like, WOW. hopefully that wun pose as much of a problem for me! wahaha. since the only chinese i read is chinese newspaper...and its not even daily. but i like 2359 and simianbafang....so i always read them. carn blame me...after all i'm not even chinese. i'm a chinses. wahaha.

lame.

=P

Blogged @ 8:12 PM


woo

we passed out today

as they say, all good things must come to an end....but sometimes, when they end, it makes u glad too...

lots of conflicting emotions...wanted to laugh, but wanted to cry too. in the end ended up laughing the whole day. haha

i'm happy we passed out, for two reasons.

1) we nvr have to see/deal with that unreasonable, uncivilised, assholic goat with the transplanted hair again. (oh gosh, he should nvr have transplanted his hair...his confidence like GREW with every strand of hair emerging from his pathetic scalp.) he's the most disgusting creature i have ever met. not only is he dumb and idiotic, who gives the most ridiculous reasons and excuses to escape from things we want, and later, to escape even from US, he's also VERY COWARDLY. he's real scared of us....always find ways to avoid us. then today, he didn even come. scared to see us. he's probably scared that we will spit on his face. scared that we will expose his true "light bulb" self in front of everyone. he's the one who destroyed our ncolife for us, cause us utmost pain and misery. idiot. or perhaps we had underestimated him all along. whatever it is, msg to u ppl out there: small ppl can be deadly. always be on ur guard...

2)well, np did take up a lot of my study time, play time, sleep time etc etc. finally we jie3tuo1 already...i finally got my old life back, my pre-NP life, which i missed very very much. now i can continue to chase my dreams, towards greater horizons...haix. feel reallie happy lor(:

but feel sad also lah. i mean, i was thinking abt it today...then its like, 3 and a half years just passed like that...although xinku, it was all very fun. and i reallie grew up a lot in NP...all the times spent together...all the zi high times...then our last year in NP room. i was looking at all my NP clothes. quartslacks, unit tee, full u...how i would nvr ever wear them again, how i would nvr touch them again. my boots...i'll nvr get to polish them again. my badges...polish for no one to see. haix. everything is gone...forever. and we will nvr get it back. ):

but still, que sera sera. what will be will be. its already happened...so all that we can do now is make the best of it. passing out is good la. its a brand new life for all of us. lets live it well.

gosh. scrolling back up i feel so guilty. wahahaha. spent most of this post cursing that uncivilised goat. oh well. its quite rare to come across uncivilised individuals in this fast paced, cultured society we live in. so any uncivilised individual must be a nie4 zhong3 and is definitely worth the hot discussion.

Blogged @ 10:06 PM


first, it was last act....then today it was last dalt...

two more NP days, and it will be POP.

POP.

this word seems almost impossible. i rmb when we were very young very young, POP seemed so darn far away. it seemed almost impossible to come...but now, it is here. in just a flash, 3 years flew past, mercilessly taking everything we had with them, leaving behind only scads of memories.

definitely, the thought of POP does bring conflicting emotions.

today we cleaned up NP room. i nvr felt so much nostalgia, as i saw my long lost brushes, paints, palattes, colouring materials, notebooks, etc etc. it brought back so much memories; too much memories, in fact, for me to contain. just right there and then, i felt a wave of tears. i dunno what these tears mean, which part in this huge sea of complicated emotions it came from. i just noe i wanted to cry.

packing up NP room means to me, the end of a reign, yet the start, (hopefully) of a brand new era. perhaps there might be improvements, perhaps inopportune issues. that we do not noe. of course we all hope for the best, but we should all be prepared for calamities as well.

anyway, today we did have fun packing up NP room(: everything was taken out of the cupboards and we did a thorough spring cleaning...wiped the cupboards and all. by the time we were done, np room was many shades brighter, sweeter-smelling and sparkling clean. it gave this beautiful halcyon, idyillic feeling. makes u feel so happy just standing inside it. i rmb jlk kept exclaiming, "np room is so clean now!" haha. indeed we all share the same sentiments.

i dunno why i sound like i'm writing an essay...but oh well.

today was last dalt. nothing special. just practice with 39 the shi...then went on to recrea. haha. mostly they self entertained. then 39 ncos just stoned. i went to look after casualties...so perhaps they might have done other stuff. haha. then later, i came back...just nice 39 was falling in, then we got them to sit down and have sqd talk. quite a funny talk, lots of singing, but the atmosphere was rather lively and light. doesnt seem at all like last dalt. but i suppose last dalt wun be as "pressurising" as last act? so yar. later took a lot of pics, pose until nearly cramp...(12 muscles to smile leh!) then later, as usual, pack up and went home, not without hearing jlk exclaim first that NP room is spanking clean again. hahaha.

hmm...

Blogged @ 8:43 PM


haix'

act today was boring. supposed to have POP rehearsal...then some ppl had NCO interview....then no rehearsal. then ended up teaching/supervising flag for 39 flag party. in the end spent nearly the whole 3 hours walking and slacking...

lessons were funny though!!

we didn buy chinese textbook again...hahaha. so we read the stories that houbehbeh printed for us....very nice stories. there's one abt lesbians. quite erxin. its like she's married already lor...and she's having an affair with another GIRL...

then during physics we learnt radioctivity! omg its so interesting (no sarcasm intended). its reallie fun lar...all the alpha/beta particles...gamma rays. wow. maybe i shall go become a radiologist. heh. then its like if my patients take xray next time, i shall abandon them too! haha. but being a radiologist easy to get cancer...so boo=XXX

or maybe i shall be a dermatologist. like the one in the story mrs soh told us today...haha. then can earn lots of money injecting botox for ppl. and plastic surgery. nowadays ppl are so fake that it doesnt matter if they have plastic surgery. after all, with plastic surgery better, want to be fake, be fake all the way through. dun just stop halfway. heh heh heh. aye. the world is so interesting.

mrs soh told us a lot of exciting stories today....abt bgr...and stories abt herself. very funny. but i shant repeat them here...cos its her privacy mah. haha. cos it was the 1-1.30 slot...then all the performing arts ppl have gone for rehearsals...so its like very little ppl in the class. then mrs soh cant conduct lessons, so we ended up having story-telling session, which i think is what language lessons should be abt--communication.

and btw, here's a note to 403 ppl who were in class today during the 1-1.30 slot.

no offence intended, no hurt intended, no bad blood, ya?

abt the rumours going ard....please, its not him. dun ask me how i noe, cos i have my own sources. it isnt him. trust me. furthermore, he's my friend. so please, dun start rumours unless u noe they are absolutely true, ya? gave me a horrible shock today when i heard it...

thanks for ur understanding, if u happen to read this, 403.

Blogged @ 10:19 PM


its been an eventful month.

i dunno where to start.

lets see. my beloved ah fat died. it was a painful death for both me and it. we all thought it was hibernating. but in the end, well. it just happened. cried my heart out for it. i'll nvr forget it. just like i nvr forgot my darling hamster and its 8 offspring, the two snails slimy and slimier, caterpee the caterpillar, my two darling rabbits, and all the little animals which lived in my house in some way or another. i was nvr able to get over death. not that i actually witnessed many, (touch wood). when i was 5 my paternal grandpa died. i guess i was too little? to noe what was going on. i noe he died. i noe there was a funeral. i saw him being cremated. but somehow, i just didn understand all of it. i felt sad when i saw my family crying, but i didn noe why. i didn exactly feel much about it.

when i witnessed my second death, i was 10. it was the death of my darling hamster. she was brutally murdered by one of the albino hamsters, which happened to be her OWN OFFSPRING. her face was cruelly scratched; bloody and all. i screamed when i saw her...i just couldn believe it. then i cried all the way down to the little garden in front of the house where we buried the hamster. i was old enough to understand death. i was old enough to feel the dark emotions it brought. and i didn like it. within the tears of sadness that were filling me, there were parts of anger too. strong, boiling anger. i couldn help but ask myself, why did it have to die? why couldn it live? why did its own daughter kill it? how could she do that? these questions were swarming in my mind....as if both my ears were blocked and they couldn get out. they couldn help but swim around, engulfing my mind with it.

6 years later, i still didn understand why things had to die. when i first heard that ah fat might die, because it wasnt moving and all, i cried...and cried. i kept asking my mum why did it have to die, why couldn it live. i was even muttering that i didn want it to die. i repeated these questions to whoever was unfortunate enough to talk to me. my mum kinda felt instantly sorrie that she even brought up the topic of death, and told me to check the net instead, lest this is the natural behaviour of frogs at a certain time frame in their lives, (u noe, like moulting, hibernating, etc etc). finally, i found the ultimate solution: it was hibernating. the burden of death instantly lifted off my shoulders, and i couldn help but heave a huge, huge sigh of relief. i started telling everyone abt how my frog was hibernating...in singapore even. i was elated that it was going to live after all, and i said that i would give anything, anything at all, for the frog to live. however, happiness did not last. in less than 2 weeks it was dead. it was so sudden, and no one, esp not me, was prepared for its death. it just stopped breathing. i cried myself to sleep when i discovered that it was dead. it was just too impossible to believe. we buried it the next day, praying that it would find peace. soon after, i released my other frog, ah thin. i just didn want it to die in my hands too. it has to live. it has a right to. so i shant keep it captive. haix. dunno where is it now...hope that it is safe, alive and happy.

oh well. gtg. shall blog some other time.

Blogged @ 9:59 PM