i dunno me anymore

i dunno who i am

or what the heck i'm doing on this earth.

maybe i shouldn be here. my life should have been given to someone else who needs it more than i do. cos i'm messing up my life. i dunno what the hell i'm doing with it. i- i simply suck. i reallie suck.

i dunno what's wrong with me...i just browsed through my friendster profile today. and i got a shock. i was once so happy? i couldn believe myself. i dun think i'm ever happy these days...i dunno why. i seriously feel i've depressed. i seriously feel i'm more quiet than last year, not so high anymore, not so much energy. i nearly cried when i saw my profile. i reallie missed my life in the past. i want to go back. turn back time. go back to those days when i was a sec 2, sec 3.

i just want to be happy. is that so hard? is happiness so hard to achieve? hou lao shi once corrected a zao4 ju4 for xiao1 yao2 (carefree-ness) he said that being xiao1 yao2 is impossible in this world. we are here on this earth to suffer. so no one will ever live a xiao1 yao2 life. i thought abt what he said. but how come it seems like everyone is happy? maybe its my problem. maybe my expectations for happiness are too high. but that's most unlikely. ask any sqdmate and they'll tell u how easily i'm contented. how easily i get happy. maybe its because i keep making the wrong decisions. maybe that's why i'm nvr happy and nvr will be.

i thought i would be happy after obeying my mum and doing what she said, for my heart was unable to give me any direction, and the only determination i had at that point was not wishing to let my mum down again, for i had lied to her and cheated her feelings. i betrayed her trust, and for that i had to pay. however, to my pleasant surprise, i WAS happy for a while. maybe for a few hours. but now i'm not happy again. my tiny bit of happiness is plagued by emotions of guilt, remorse, regret, nostalgia. the familiar smells, the familiar sights made me wish i had nvr nvr made that decision. now i feel so alone. so damned alone. i noe i'm not alone. i have close friends whom i can confide and DO confide in. but this life is mine. no matter who's advice i seek, or who i confide in, the final decision still lies in me. in the end, whether or not my decision is wrong, i'll bear the emotions, the consequences for my choice. in the end, i'll still be left alone to face whatever music i had brought upon. so now i'm suffering the "withdrawal symptoms" of my decision. i dunno whether i'll be able to smile from my heart again. i dunno whether i'll be able to laugh because i want to, because i reallie feel like it.

quoting darling jlp, who gave the strongest advice to me, "when life gives u lemons, make lemonade!" sounded reallie familiar but i'm not sure whether she made this line up or got it elsewhere. but its reallie meaningful. thank u so much.

thank u hj for all that support and strength u gave to me during my most down moments. i reallie appreciate it. kisses.

thank u sqdmates for bringing laughter, love and care into my life in this low point of it. i reallie appreciate u guys because u all lifted my spirits and helped me see life again. thank u thank u ever so much

oh why do i sound like i'm dying tmr?

i just wish for all these to be over...

Blogged @ 9:46 PM