CC Comp is tmr

jiayou teamates!!!!!! u all will do well!

NYNP WILL ROCK THE PITCH!!!!!!

strive for it

go for it

and we'll get it. =)))))))))

i feel indifferent.

jiayou teams 1 and 2, and bring glory back to NYNP. strive for the best, and give ur most=)))

i'm sorrie i'm unable to be there pitching. me and jlp will be in the reserves tent doing dunno what

what kind of a rule is that....reserves must sit in some tent and STONE while ur team pitches? i just dun feel good abt it. i ALREADY dun feel good about many many things.
1) i seriously think i'm a jinx.
2) i seriously regret all the past recent decisions i have made. it has brought a lot of pain and misery to me and i think to others also.
3) i hate myself
4) i wish i'd nvr been born
5) i noe a lot of ppl want to kill me RIGHT NOW

i just dunno what else to say abt myself.
I'M THE WORLD'S GREATEST LOSER

i just want to die. i hate this nagging guilt in me. i hate feeling bad for everything i am doing because i made a wrong decision once. either commit or dun commit. GRAH i feel so halfway! i hate this feeling! but i noe its my own fault. its all my fault. my stupid fault. and i bet everyone else hates me for it too.

i'm going to be true to myself on this post. i'm a total sucker. i'm real upset and unsettled inside but i'm trying to show i'm not. which i am totally failing at and as a result appear schrizrophrenic (or HOWEVER u spell THAT) i'm happy at one moment and sad the next...i just wish i can show how i reallie feel. i wish i can express. but i cant do so. i dunno how to. ain't i pathetic?

ok. let's analyse me. i'm this human on earth who doesn noe what she wants in life. this human also always makes the wrong decisions. even worse, she has to pretend to be someone she isnt because she doesnt NOE how to be the REAL HER. she carn express her true thoughts and feelings through action. though she can through words and writings, it still isnt enough. oh my god. what is this person doing on earth then?

i'm a total failure.

i'm just upset

u can ignore this post. its just for me to vent the rest of my frustrations

sqdmates and friends and taggers: dun worrie abt me, i'll be fine once i get over this.=) thanks so much for all ur support and encouragement. i'll try to sober up and try to be happy.=) thanks.

Blogged @ 8:18 PM


i dunno me anymore

i dunno who i am

or what the heck i'm doing on this earth.

maybe i shouldn be here. my life should have been given to someone else who needs it more than i do. cos i'm messing up my life. i dunno what the hell i'm doing with it. i- i simply suck. i reallie suck.

i dunno what's wrong with me...i just browsed through my friendster profile today. and i got a shock. i was once so happy? i couldn believe myself. i dun think i'm ever happy these days...i dunno why. i seriously feel i've depressed. i seriously feel i'm more quiet than last year, not so high anymore, not so much energy. i nearly cried when i saw my profile. i reallie missed my life in the past. i want to go back. turn back time. go back to those days when i was a sec 2, sec 3.

i just want to be happy. is that so hard? is happiness so hard to achieve? hou lao shi once corrected a zao4 ju4 for xiao1 yao2 (carefree-ness) he said that being xiao1 yao2 is impossible in this world. we are here on this earth to suffer. so no one will ever live a xiao1 yao2 life. i thought abt what he said. but how come it seems like everyone is happy? maybe its my problem. maybe my expectations for happiness are too high. but that's most unlikely. ask any sqdmate and they'll tell u how easily i'm contented. how easily i get happy. maybe its because i keep making the wrong decisions. maybe that's why i'm nvr happy and nvr will be.

i thought i would be happy after obeying my mum and doing what she said, for my heart was unable to give me any direction, and the only determination i had at that point was not wishing to let my mum down again, for i had lied to her and cheated her feelings. i betrayed her trust, and for that i had to pay. however, to my pleasant surprise, i WAS happy for a while. maybe for a few hours. but now i'm not happy again. my tiny bit of happiness is plagued by emotions of guilt, remorse, regret, nostalgia. the familiar smells, the familiar sights made me wish i had nvr nvr made that decision. now i feel so alone. so damned alone. i noe i'm not alone. i have close friends whom i can confide and DO confide in. but this life is mine. no matter who's advice i seek, or who i confide in, the final decision still lies in me. in the end, whether or not my decision is wrong, i'll bear the emotions, the consequences for my choice. in the end, i'll still be left alone to face whatever music i had brought upon. so now i'm suffering the "withdrawal symptoms" of my decision. i dunno whether i'll be able to smile from my heart again. i dunno whether i'll be able to laugh because i want to, because i reallie feel like it.

quoting darling jlp, who gave the strongest advice to me, "when life gives u lemons, make lemonade!" sounded reallie familiar but i'm not sure whether she made this line up or got it elsewhere. but its reallie meaningful. thank u so much.

thank u hj for all that support and strength u gave to me during my most down moments. i reallie appreciate it. kisses.

thank u sqdmates for bringing laughter, love and care into my life in this low point of it. i reallie appreciate u guys because u all lifted my spirits and helped me see life again. thank u thank u ever so much

oh why do i sound like i'm dying tmr?

i just wish for all these to be over...

Blogged @ 9:46 PM


so much to blog, yet so little to say

some thoughts cannot be put into words

oh well.

today went for caiqing at kwong wai shiu hospital...the ppl i saw there reallie saddened me. of course, there are the healthier popos and gonggongs who manage to make it for our performance. they were reallie sweet, clapped reallie loudly for all the performances. i was the datouwawa with mud. then during the course of the performance we went to shake hands with the popos and gonggongs sitting around. i will nvr forget the look in their eyes when we held their hands and wished them a happy new year. it was a look of nostalgia, of elatedness. the popos and gonggongs were tearing when we held their hands...i think they were touched. i was touched too when i saw them cry. then there was this reallie sweet grandpa who kissed my hands. though i did get a bit of a shock initially from that sudden intimate contact, i thought it was reallie sweet of him. later went upstairs with sqdmates and 38 to bai nian to the popos and gonggongs who were sadly too weak to come down. most of them were bed ridden and very very ill. i bai-nianed to this popo who reallie made an impact on me. she was reallie ill, i think lack of calcium or smth. her teeth were dropping out. one tooth was stuck on her forearm. another tooth on the back of her hand. a third tooth was on the bed. there were some ants around the bed. it was reallie very scary, and i was reallie upset when i saw her in this state. however, despite her being so sick, she insisted on sitting up to receive the oranges from me. i was reallie moved. i was deciding on giving her a hug and a kiss. but i'm afraid i'll break her bones or hurt her or smth. so i didn. i just held her hands for a longer time and smiled at her.

then later the ppl started serving food to the popos and gonggongs in the function hall who watched us perform. then i helped mud feed this gonggong...he was kind of cute...we asked him whether he wanted to eat cake, then he nodded. then we cut the cake for him and fed him...then i served this reallie adorable popo. i gave her food, but she didn touch it. i thought she was unable to eat by herself too, so i started to cut the cake and i fed her. after one mouthful, she told me she didn want cake. so i gave her some chee cheong fun. then after one mouth, she also decided she didn want the chee cheong fun anymore. so i fel her some yam cake. then yup, after one mouth, yea u guessed it. haha so cute right! then i gave her some love letters to eat. she just held it on her hand. then i asked her whether she wanted to eat the love letter..and she nodded. so i held one end of it, and she held the other. and we broke the love letter. then she stuffed part of the crumbs in her mouth while i picked up the other remaining crumbs that have dropped on the floor and her chair. when i stood up again and offered her the remaining love letter, she refused it. she's so adorable! haha. i think she was a food gourmet or smth when she was younger. everything the chef cooks just try one mouthful enough. hahaha. in the end i ended up throwing everything away. the only thing she actually finished was the chrysanthemum packet drink. the best part was, after rejecting all the food i had offered her after just eating one mouthful of it, when i got back from the dustbin (i went to throw the remaining food away), she was holding ANOTHER love letter! hahaha! i just looked at her and smiled...then she looked at me, smiled and continued holding the love letter in her hand. sooo cute. haha

i had such a good experience and such a good time at kwong wai shiu hospital. reallie want to go there again...=)

must make a note of places i want to revisit...

Blogged @ 10:24 PM