guten tag...

its thursday. just finished training and dinner and shower and zuo wen. wahaha. sqdmates say i'm getting boring because my blog is too philosophical and too undaily life like, so i shall blog abt something interesting todaeeee

hmm...thinking abt my zuo wen made me remember my grandad. okie i shall blog abt my grandad.

my grandad was a terrific person. although china-chinese, old fashioned, doesn speak english nor mandrain, he rocks a ton. when i was little, around 2 or 3 years old, he used to play with me a lot. i remember i loved sweets. and i still do! my mummie and auntie refused me sweets because they were afraid i would get sick and stuff...and the sweets might weaken my immune system. they constantly told my grandparents not to give me sweets. my grandma obeyed, but my grandad rebelled. everytime the adults were out of the house, i became the little princess of this beautiful paradise i built for myself and my grandparents. my grandad would beckon me into his room, and the moment the door is closed, he would take out his secret supply of chocolates and share them with me. being diabetic, he wasn supposed to eat any, but just to make me happie, he went against all odds and ate along with me. and thus, grandad and i shared a little secret between us. just ME and HIM. he would often play with me too, and watch TV on the sofa...the question comes when i remember he doesn speak any language i noe of. how on earth did we communicate then? till today, i still dunno. it was probably some universal lanuguage, or a special language shared by just me and grandad. he's dead already, by the way.

if i'm not wrong, he died on christmas 10 years ago. right. i was 5. when my aunt called from the hospital, i was sitting in front of the TV, totally absorbed in those wonderful cartoon shows they always have on TV for the kids during special occasions and nibbling on chocolate teddy biscuits my mum had thoughtfully bought me to keep me busy on christmas day so she could go about doing her own stuff. my mum had no idea how to break the news to me. after all, grandad, (whom i would refer to as "ye ye" which i would play around with because the word rolls on my tongue) and i had been close, in a childlike way. so my mum simply picked me up from the sofa and plucked my eyes off the TV screen and said, "ye ye's dead. he died in SGH."

at that point of time, being a tender age of five and paying more attention to the cartoons instead of the serious information my mother had for me, i didn understand what was happening and just nodded my head in reply. it was only when my aunts and uncles and dad returned and huddled together at the table to discuss the funeral then i started to wake up and realise, my grandad is DEAD. i will never see him again in my life. i remember walking into the kitchen and looking for the rubbish chute under the sink (cos in my old house i had one) to try to call my grandad back, because that place was where my baby bolster and my pacifier and my milk bottle had gone, and my aunt had always told me they led a better life in the chute, which she called "hen yuan hen yuan de di fang" than living with me. so she said i should learn to let go. and up till i was primary 2, i believed that the reason why my grandad didn come back when i called was because in the new house we didn have a rubbish chute.

the funeral was 3 days. on the third day, i took the coffin-van....whatever its name is to this temple called guang ming shan (i dunno its english name) where i watched my grandad cremate. i dun remember shedding a tear, but i remember the feeling of a sense of loss and heart wrenching pain. till today, 10 years later, i still remember grandad. i still dream of him.

yeye, i love u. still. always. forever.


Blogged @ 7:53 PM